It took me a few tries to aptly title this post. I wanted something that could capture the brokenness I’m going to expose. I wanted people to see me putting down my pride and openly saying I have a lot of things to hide. I wanted everyone to know that nothing about my life is perfect, no matter how hard I try to make it seem that way.
Admitting imperfect. That’s what I’m going to do.
A lot of things led me to this. This post by Juli Wilson about how we all tend to filter our lives on social media to make them look perfect led me here. So I’ll start with that.
She’s right. I only want you to see me on my good days. I want you to see my clever statuses and tweets. I want you to see me laughing. I want you to see me smiling carelessly in my candid pictures that actually took several tries and heavy editing to get right. But none of that truly reveals what goes on in my life.
That’s why I’m writing this. Because I think to reach people, you have to show them you’re far from perfect. You have to show them you need help and that no one is as happy as they look on the Internet.
There are many things I hide.
I can’t spell judgement. I really don’t know if that’s correct. I can’t remember to put a space in high school EVER. I can’t spell Philippians or Isaiah as I discovered during Bible study. I feel stupid a lot.
I struggle heavily with body image. I rarely leave my dorm and go to class feeling attractive and confident. Though I do have good days, those are the minority.
I have a major struggle being emotional. I don’t show when I’m angry or sad or scared. I show when I’m happy. Everything else stays bottled up. And it’s pretty dangerous for my mental state, first of all. Secondly, it’s not good for my relationships. Because I don’t know how to tell people I love them and I don’t know how to show it. And I’m bad at confrontation that comes with conflict, so it rarely gets solved. And that’s just not being a good friend.
I’ve been listening to this Hanson song nonstop for the past week. It’s called “Lost Without You” and it’s been speaking to me. Yes, Hanson. Yes, the guys that brought you MMMBop.
There’s this lyric, you see.
In my head I think it must be a mistake
But my heart says, take your chances
It could be this first dance is the “unexpected beautiful”
I can barely admit I’ve been longing for…
It’s that last line that gets me. “I can barely admit I’ve been longing for” another human being to want me. Or something. I cannot admit that I need another person in my life to be happy.
But as much as I tell myself and publicly announce my “high standards” and my “deserving better,” I know deep down that I would easily settle for a guy who simply likes me back.
And I wish I could say that I’m not going to accept a man that has a problem with me. I wish I could say, “I love Jesus and that’s all I need you to think of me because that’s really all that matters anyway,” but my being human prevents me from doing so. I care too much. I want approval. I want people to like me. I want a boy to like me.
And then I read this article about being single and it’s deep and it cuts my heart and makes me want to curl up in a ball because of how real it is.
The Hanson song goes on to change the lyric.
I will have no regrets after today
‘Cause the “unexpected beautiful”
I’m about to admit I’ve been longing for…
He decides to admit that he’s longing for something.
So I’m admitting it.
I’m admitting that my imperfect being, my self-loathing humanness, my brokenness is LONGING for something and someone to satisfy it. My soul is lonely and scarred and afraid.
I’m admitting that I have taken a liking to this boy and I’m way too shy to be up front and tell him how I feel. And if he were to read this and do something about it, I would definitely be okay with it. I’m admitting my need for another human being because for once in my life, I know that I can’t do this alone because life is difficult and cruel.
And finally, I’m admitting that I need even more than that.
Because even though I think the acceptance of the world and the acceptance of my future husband (I hope) will give my heart everything it needs, none of that will satisfy my soul as much as a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.
So I’m admitting something to you, but I’m also admitting to myself and God and anyone else that wants to listen.
“Here I am. I am broken.”
I hate exposing that I’m weak and I hate showing that my life isn’t all bubbles and glitter like I make it out to be. Because for some reason, I think my worth goes down when people find that stuff out about me.
But, you know what? I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t need the approval of the world. And that’s a really difficult task to conquer.
So this is how I’m beginning my quest. By saying I’m broken. By confessing my faults. By admitting imperfect.