I just read this wonderful article by a man who I assume gets all the ladies. Seriously, I think he’s at the top of the food chain. If I wasn’t in a relationship, I’d be all over it.
Before reading any further, read this man’s list, or my post won’t make sense. I do warn you, there is some language involved, so don’t be alarmed by it. You also won’t pick up on the obvious sarcasm I was using in the first few sentences up there.
I decided to make a list of 8 things this guy doesn’t understand about anything as a response to his list of how I should improve. Note: These responses hopefully are spoken on behalf of all women, not just myself. Who’s with me?
Jerk’s suggestion: Lose the *rude expletive* weight.
My response: I can think of a couple tissue blobs on your body that I could easily get rid of.
Suggestion/command: Grow your hair to butt level.
My response: Thanks for the tip. Actually, I’m trying. But if my butt is too big for you and full of gross fat, do you really want to be directed to look at it? Just wondering.
Suggestion: Talk 80% less.
Intelligent response: Maybe you should talk 100% less. Or talk to your mother. So she can backhand you in the mouth. While wearing a giant ring. Okay I’m done.
Suggestion: Stop ruining intimate moments.
My response: Okay. Let’s just do away with intimate moments completely then. That will fix it for you. Because, as a non-prostitute, I really don’t have to sleep with you.
Suggestion: Get rid of all beliefs and ideologies that enable your worst traits. A quote from the explanation: “Don’t succumb to the Tumblr idiots trying to convince you that fat is beautiful. Don’t listen to the internet feminists telling you that your job is more important than your man.”
My response: I’d like to add: “Don’t listen to *rude expletive*s that try to define your value. I mean, the man INSULTED TUMBLR. He obviously sucks.
Suggestion: Don’t use rejection as a means to boost your fragile self-esteem.
My response: Yeah, I’m okay with that. Do you get rejected a lot? I bet you do. That’s probably why you had to include this.
Suggestion: Stop negging.
Response: Wtf is neg? (I looked it up on urban dictionary. A 30something man is using slang from urban dictionary. Do something with your life, man.)
Suggestion: Stop self-mutilating.
My response: Tattoos and piercings, whatever. I have pierced ears. Am I ugly? Oh, wait. I think he just wants us to be original. I know! By every woman exactly following this list and becoming robots, we can be original. Makes sense now.
And that’s all, folks. I’m still browsing around his website trying to find a sentence like, “LOL JK, all y’all are pretty.” But, alas, I have failed. Thanks for reading. Go out there and be awesome today, ladies. Like Tina and Amy and the like.
But, in all seriousness for one moment, I spend enough time over-thinking my words and actions. I look in the mirror and see everything wrong and work obsessively to fix it. And I just spent sixty freaking dollars that I don’t have on health food, so anyone concerned with my appearance can pay that if they wish. I hope people don’t actually think they have to change to be liked. Because if a person will only like you by his own standards, he’s the wrong person. And that’s the honest truth.