I just found this post in my drafts from 8 months ago. Trying to figure out something to write after not posting for 3 months and it was already done for me.
I’ve got a month left before graduation. It’s crazy to look back and see how I felt starting this school year… to see what’s changed and what hasn’t. One thing’s for sure: I still have no plans. Being a graduating senior without a job prospect or a ring on my finger (senior save?) is really opening my eyes to the fact it’s okay to go into the future without a plan. Even if I can’t see it now, God’s plans are always better. What a cool reminder to find this.
I don’t know what to call this post. There are so many things I could say about the past 3 years, and here I am in an array of emotions about starting year 4. Year 4. Senior year of college.
3 years ago, I sat in my dorm room with a roommate I figured I’d have all four years. I had a major picked out. I had dreams of success after graduating from one of the best public universities. I imagined I’d quickly make friends and keep them all four years, too.
What I didn’t predict was the sudden and deep awareness that I didn’t have a perfect body; I can’t tell you how shameful that felt. What I didn’t predict was having different roommates every single year; I can’t tell you how lonely that felt. What I didn’t predict was missing out on things because of my shy personality; I can’t tell you how much I felt like a loser.
Going into senior year, I still feel all of these things. I wish I could say I’m excited to be back, but I’m not. I just want to go home. I want to go back to the place where I’m supposed to be alone because I’m an only child. Voluntary loneliness just feels better than involuntary for some reason. I want to go back to the place where my dad cooks all my food because doing it myself makes me realize how hard growing up is. I want to go back to the place where I feel so loved and wanted and accepted. Because I don’t feel that here. I’ve never felt that here.
I look back and wonder why I came. I never wanted to go to college and I still don’t know what I want to do after I graduate. I look back and wonder if it was worth it to spend this much to go to classes I hated, eat food that made me hate myself, and live in dorms that brought so much hurt to my life and relationships.
In a way I did accomplish some things I had dreamed about. I grew close to some friends- but not close enough. I’m in a few group texts now- but I still feel distant. I finally have a major- but the only reason I’m not changing it now is because it’s too late.
But here’s the thing. My plans were too small. And Jesus is better.
I never planned on meeting Jesus at UNC. Thank God my plans didn’t come through.
My life may be in chaos, but Jesus is better.
I may not have the success I once dreamed of, but Jesus is better.
Following Jesus has led me to New York City and all the way across the ocean to Italy. That’s something I never imagined.
Jesus loves through the loneliness and the shame. Jesus doesn’t think I’m a loser. Jesus never forgets me.