I was building a super tall taller-than-you lego tower with my fave little 2 year old bud a few nights ago. TBH I’ve learned more from working with kids the past two years than I learned like… my whole life?
Anyway, I’ll call him Kid in this post since I don’t love naming names in blogs.
So obviously children don’t know the best strategies for building super tall lego towers. Our tower fell a lot. Kid kept saying “we need a base!” Guessing he picked that up from his artsy dad. But we did! We needed a base. We needed a strong foundation because that dang tower just kept falling down when it reached a certain height.
Then I’d chime in and remind everyone that we also needed a balanced tower. Because some legos are weird shapes now and don’t carry the same weight on all sides. The tower would lean and fall again.
I’m rambling about legos (unsponsored, but maybe legos can just send me a bunch of free legos if I say #legos enough?) becaaaaause:
I was pretty tired and have been overthinking so much lately, but it paid off in this moment.
Without a foundation and without balance, life will knock us to the floor. Our reaction to this is worth mentioning too… Every time the tower fell, Kid said “aw,” laughed, and said “let’s build it again!” I wish I reacted this way every time I fell. But usually I just give up, become exhausted, get too scared to keep trying. Something like that.
Life is a falling lego tower. Lately I haven’t been handling the fall lately. I realized I lost my foundation for everything I’m doing. It feels like I have no real reason to be in new york, no real reason to have a college degree, no real reason to have my current job… you get the idea.
I used to have a foundation of faith, a want to help others, a joy in life. Somewhere, in the midst of a cold, dark winter, dirty streets, long hours and little money, I lost it. And if I keep going on like this, with no foundation, no base, I’m gonna crumble.
The balance is missing too. It’s all work and sleep. There’s no play, there’s no joy. I’m gonna crumble.
And it’s not necessarily worth it. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past few months, some things are worth crumbling for. And others aren’t. And that’s fine.
It’s fine to quit things. If you’re falling for no good reason, just stop. If you have the privilege to stop, just stop. Seriously. You aren’t a failure for taking breaks, for requiring rest, for having panic attacks, for crying, for sleeping late, for not being the very best. Screw being the very best.
This time in new york city has taught me the things I find worth crumbling for. If I’m going to crash and burn, I’m gonna have a good reason. And if the reason isn’t there, I’m over it.
I’m lucky enough to know that my mom and dad’s house is always open if I need it. I’m lucky enough to have friends all over the world that would help me out. I know that makes me one of the lucky ones and gives me a lot of privilege to even write those words. I’m grateful for it. Grateful that I can look at my life and say “no, this isn’t working” and change it.
A running joke in my senior year of college (with my roomz) was that I quit everything. (Didn’t quit college though! Wanted to. But didn’t.) Anyway, it was a funny thing. I have kind of always operated this way… say no to things that don’t serve me. A lot of it was selfish. So I vowed to stop quitting and to think about how it affects other people. So don’t take this as a post saying “quit everything and do what you want.” Take it as a post that says… Know what you’re working toward and know when the consequences are worth the pain and the difficulty and the crash.
I’ve got quite the inner monologue going on and it’s just as confused as my writing has been lately, but I figured… If it’s going through my head, I might as well write it down. Maybe you’ll help me make sense of it all.
So here’s to finally resting. Here’s to realizing that doesn’t make me a failure, doesn’t make me less of a person.
p.s. Husband was feeling this too, so I asked Kid. “Kid, is Matt a failure?” Kid scoffs at me and says, “No. He’s Matt.” So there you go.
p.p.s (what does that even mean)- Wanted to share a list of things I find “worth it” aka worth my losing sleep, worth my stress, worth my extra effort, worth my life
- my marriage
- my ever ups and downs with faith
- fighting anxiety
- the kids i’ve had in my care
- making music, being a poet
- late nights with good friends