felt your hot breath
and your tears falling to my chest
as we feared together, things to come.
i sat quietly,
your arms around me,
with lightbulbs in my head turning on.
thinking when we’re old,
if we make it there…
i don’t believe in promises,
but this i swear:
i know you’ll love me for all that i am
and i’ll hold you like as long as i can
-me, summer, cheeseball
I think I mentioned before that I imagined writing a beautiful, loving, positive tribute to my husband and our life together when our first anniversary happened at the end of last year. But I didn’t. I think everyone knows I like him… That’s why we got married. I read so much about marriage before I even considered the idea of it. I learned that soulmates aren’t real and fairy tales aren’t real and that real life love takes work and commitment. I learned that you enter into marriage as a covenant with God and you decide, then and there, that divorce isn’t an option because you’re committed to each other. I heard all the advice that you’d fight a lot more after moving in together. For me, this one isn’t true, but the fights are a lot more extreme when it happens, I guess. I got all kinds of advice and some was good and some was bad. My pastor told me marriage was easy and fun, and he’s one of the few people that actually told us that. As a society, that kind of sucks, doesn’t it? I want more positivity about marriage because it is fun and easy if you know what’s coming. I mean I’m only in year two, but my mom tends to agree with the stuff I’ve told her about it, so I think I’m doing okay.
The thing no one told me though.
The thing no one told me about sharing life with someone, or living life at all regardless of company, is that it’s really scary. At some point in your life, you’re gonna be in a place where the future is really unclear. For the last few months, this has been true. For twenty three years, I’ve known what was coming. I knew where I’d go to school and where I’d spend my time. I knew who would be there. I knew I was going to college and after getting accepted to UNC, I knew the obvious answer to the where. I knew I’d move to New York and that’s something I’ve known since I told my yearbook advisor that I was going to do it as soon as I got a chance.
But now I don’t know anymore. So after celebrating our anniversary with delivery from Dominoes (it was delicious, don’t @ me) and watching some tv together, probably, I found myself not knowing what was coming. I don’t mean in the next few months. I mean in five years, ten years. I asked him if he figured he’d still like me by then and he said duh because he married me just a year and some months ago.
So, there I was, with my pretty new husband, crying on the couch about the idea of the future. I just wish people would tell you things like this would happen. Ya know?
If anything, it makes really nice poetry.