Since we last met, my parents flew to Phoenix, joined our very full jeep and off we went. From Phoenix to Flagstaff to Sedona to Grand Canyon to Page to Cedar City to Springdale to Las Vegas. Then they flew home from Las Vegas while Matt and I continued on to Death Valley to Joshua Tree to San Diego to San Clemente to Laguna Beach to Malibu to where we are now. In an airbnb, eating a sandwich and a plastic tv dinner, watching netflix on a bed.
We’re supposed to be in Fresno tonight. We were supposed to spend the day driving through Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks and hitting up Yosemite in the morning. A huge drive, a huge adventure. Knocking three more parks off of my list.
I’m also supposed to be “normal,” so I tell myself. I’m not supposed to cancel reservations at the last minute and book another place because I’m too tired. I’m not supposed to fly off the handle at the slightest thing or start crying when I feel too much. I’m not supposed to be anxious always forever. I’m not supposed to!! I want my head to be normal. I want it so so so terribly.
But here we are today. My current anxiety medication (new) has effectively kicked in and, to put it bluntly, turned me into a raging bitch, hating myself and everyone else. As to how I feel about my experiences with it? Well, I don’t. I don’t feel anything.
So today. Today I’m feeling the effects of a new one. The PCH doesn’t go straight like everyone thinks and sometimes you accidentally get on the wrong road. California DOES get cloudy and cold. It was today. It’s been a weird day. It’s been a weird month, some weird years trying to accept myself for what I am, body and mind. I think it’s important to be open about it because… Well I never would’ve asked for help if I didn’t see other people doing it.
There’s really no point to this besides telling you that sometimes, even in the midst of doing something really amazing, everything can suck. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen and done some grand things in the past couple weeks and I have felt joy. I mentioned it last time. But some days are like this. And they suck.
It’s world mental health day, but we should talk about it everyday. If you’re doing well today, good. If you’re not, I hope it gets better for you soon. It should.
I’ve beat myself up today for not doing my instagram like I wanted. I wanted to be a resource for environmental change, but it’s hard to be that when you’re numb. I’ve beat myself up today for spending too much money on food, but sometimes I want warm meals instead of sandwiches. I’ve beat myself up today for using plastic in my dinner and using a plastic fork, but it’s all the airbnb has.
I’ve tried to make it better today by eating a cinnamon roll. By putting makeup on my face so that it glows a little bit. Look brighter, feel brighter? By writing my feelings out, even if no one else reads it or if it doesn’t make sense or if no one cares. By deciding I can stay IN and rest and watch television because I haven’t in 35 days.
I want to promise that I’ll write about the environment later because I do deeply deeply care and want to share information. I hope that day is soon and my head can rest soon. Until then, pics where they always are. Self care today and every day. Earth care too. xoxo