Here we are. The irony isn’t lost on me that the only post I published in 2020 was called Silent.
I won’t lie. I enter this year weary. I have absolutely no reason to believe that just because the number changed, circumstance will too.
I came here to delete this blog because I haven’t felt like using my words in a long time. And who knows- this might be my only post of the year. Only time will tell. But today, I feel like getting this out.
I had some random blog traffic over the last few months, so if you’re still with me, hi. I appreciate you caring about what I have to say.
2020 was my favorite year and the worst year of my life. I moved from a city I hated to a city I love and I have found anxiety and depression to be quieter by the day. I got a new job that wore me down, so I switched positions and now I like it. I started and quit grad school. I picked up a new hobby and then did a few cross-stitch families and then I quit that too because that’s just who I am as a person. I got a new cat. I lost my grandma to COVID-19 and still find myself aching for what could’ve been had this country taken it seriously from the start. I voted by mail. The Office left Netflix. I’ve gone on a lot of beautiful hikes. We haven’t traveled (other than a few trips to my parents & the move) since December 2019 and I crave a new place. And the move I just mentioned- that happened March 2nd. Everything shut down just a few weeks later. It’s been the weirdest. I’m overwhelmingly joyful to have my husband, my cats, my house (rental), a job that I didn’t lose during the pandemic, Christmas lights still going strong, coworkers who are also friends, coffee. I’m overwhelmingly sad for the loss I and many others experienced. For the social issues this year once again brought to light that people still doubt. The anti-mask, COVID-denying crowd in my own company that can’t get it through their heads that people like me don’t want to hear what they have to say because loss is hard enough without their voices. I feel the weight of the economic crisis and the job loss and the lack of governmental support- I see it every day in my job at a financial institution and I’m sad I can’t fix any of it. I’m sad for the evangelical church’s response to politics, struggle, pandemic and everything else. Honestly I can’t get started on that right now.
So my word of the year is embrace. I’ve embraced who I am and who I am is someone that feels everything too strongly. I feel high and low at the same time and I’ve embraced that these emotions can co-exist within me. I want to embrace all the things that happened to me and the world this year and face them head on no matter how it makes me feel. And once I can, I hope I can physically embrace everyone I care about because I think this year made physical touch move up on my love language ranking. I want to embrace that the weariness I still feel isn’t weakness because I am strong enough to carry it. To welcome it. To embrace it.