hey again. like i said, back on the writing game. and currently not feeling the capital letter.

trigger warning/ death, sickness, grief

i wanted to talk about grief.

i lost my grandma a few months ago. october 25, i think. the grief first came 2 weeks prior when she got diagnosed with covid-19. i’ll save some details because they’re private. but i’ll tell you that i did cry a little that day. hopeless.

my favorite album is rumours by fleetwood mac. i kept having to skip “don’t stop” because i did NOT want to think about tomorrow. tomorrow meant i could lose someone close to me for the first time. being 26 and losing someone close for the first time is lucky. i know that. i know people that lose people close to them a lot younger. but being older didn’t make it easier, i don’t think. i skipped that song for a week and my heart fluttered a lot.

i cried the day i lost her and the day of the viewing. and then i didn’t cry again. for two months.

and then it hit. a huge wave. a christmas-related wave, maybe. or maybe it was the constant exposure to anti-covid, anti-mask statements by people i thought were friends, family. maybe it was the focus on statistics of the virus- most people recover! sure. most people recover. but she didn’t.

i think of her every time i see a cardinal. she loved them. at the funeral- the masked funeral- my cousin said if a bird shit on you, you’d know it was granny. i laughed. she was right. hasn’t happened yet. we get cardinals in the yard. lots and lots. you’d think i may see one on a tree every now and then, but we have 3 or 4 at a time, male and female. so i think of her often.

my husband told me the grief wouldn’t go away for a while. i thought it would be the hardest at the beginning, but it wasn’t. it’s harder now having to accept it. embrace it, as i said in my last post.

so anyway. this is grief and it’s another thing i have to embrace in 2021. i think we all got a lot of grief in 2020 and we’re all gonna deal with it differently. and i hope we never forget that everyone’s dealing with it, so kindness on another level is necessary now more than ever.

and that’s why i wanted to talk about grief.

4 replies on “grief”

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