I just found this old draft. It’s over three years old. Before I got married, I complained that no one told me the difficult parts of it; they only told me the happy parts. The parts that you see in the perfectly edited photos from the wedding day. None of the befores and afters. Well, my bad. I told you I’d tell you and I didn’t. So, here I am, much later than intended, but finally following through:
One year of marriage. Four years of dating! But a whole year of marriage. There were things I was prepared for. But mostly people prepared me for the good things. The only negative thing I heard about being married was “you always fight the worst in the first year.” Not sure if that one’s true yet, but a lot of more important things were left out.
We never want to be the negative, sometimes realistic, voice in a joyful situation. After getting engaged, most people wanted to talk about the wedding… not the marriage.
Here are a few things no one told me…
No one told me I’d break down when I realized I would be moving away from my dad. No one told me I’d randomly hear that song “I Loved Her First” on the radio (and I don’t even listen to the radio) and be depressed for a full day and start crying in front of my dad that night. That I’d hug him and be unable to let go and he wouldn’t know what to do and my mom would have to say “hug her back, stupid.” No one told me that it would be so hard.
No one told me I would get emotional the first time I smelled my house. I mean really smelled my house. The one I was nose blind to for 22 years. That one. After being away for a few months, we visited home and I walked into my childhood home and I can finally describe the smell to you. I hated being able to smell it. I hated that it wasn’t familiar anymore.
No one told me to take vitamin D during northeast winters!
No one told me how to deal with having a job… with random hours… and sometimes you get into a fight right before work and you can’t resolve it, so you go into work (customer service) and just want to cry and hug your husband even though you’re really mad at him. And then you can’t see him until both of your shifts are over, many hours later. How do you even do that?
And that’s where I stopped writing in 2017.
I can confirm that being away from my family didn’t get easier. We moved back south because of it. And I wasn’t just sad about leaving my dad- he was just the one that made me so emotional on that random day. I still call my mom every day and have a running appointment with Nan once a week to call. Being near them and close to them is important and marriage, no matter how great, is never gonna change that need.
I can also confirm I got over my house smell. We lived with my parents for three months after moving back from New York and that was more than enough time of being married and living under my parents’ roof.
That job thing? That is still true. Matt and I officially have the same job hours as of four months ago and it’s a huge joy. Not the joy I just linked (but why don’t you read it too?), but still a joy. I love coming home to him and my cats. Readers, have you met my cats?
We did fight that first year. I don’t think we fought a lot. But we did. They weren’t even fights over bad things, as far as I remember. But they were hard to get through. We didn’t understand each other at all. Four years later, the fights are more intense because we’ve learned how to get under each other’s skin. But we know how to get over it now too. Gone are the days I go to work almost crying because we couldn’t work something out. Here are the days we both yell, then get mad at ourselves five minutes later and decide we’d rather hug than fight.
This is a fun journey. We’ve lived a lot since the first year. We lived in New York and moved out of New York. We lived with my parents in our home town. We lived in a Jeep for three months and drove across the country and back. We moved to Raleigh (hello to the year I stopped writing and got really depressed and hated everything lol). Now we’ve landed in the mountains of North Carolina and I’m cozying up to it more and more by the day. So anyway. It’s been four years and I feel like I know everything and have done everything, but I don’t and I haven’t. So hope you’ll be here in four more years when I get around to writing more about it.