The bite in the air came immediate with the autumn equinox. Excited, I threw on a sweatshirt and grabbed some pound cake and took a walk. The emotion took my breath away.
Fall is my favorite, like many. I hate being hot. This is the rest from the heat that I look forward to all summer long and it’s here and so is the sadness. Fall is dangerous for someone like me who thinks melancholy is the most romantic feeling to sit in. Someone who can grieve and grieve well and carry everyone else’s grief all at the same time.
It makes sense that the season of dying leaves can bring out sadness. The weeks of bright leaves leading up to the death are exciting, but I keep anticipating the colorless winter we all know is coming. And fall took a sadder turn for me when my grandma died in October, my favorite month. One of my favorite fall days last year was an early morning sunrise, breakfast in the car, a beautiful chilling hike… well that day was more of an escape from grief. And it came back right when I came back down the mountain.
I feel like I’ve been sad all year with moments of happy in between. Maybe a lot of have been. We’ve lost a lot of people in the world. We’ve lost a lot of time. It’s sucked, hasn’t it?
The weather outside my window right now keeps going between gloomy clouds (which I love and so did my grandma) and sun that’s making the yellowing leaves glow. I think that’s a good picture of what’s going on in my head most days. I’m not expecting that to change and that’s fine.
Lately I’ve been wondering if I have hated spring because it makes me leave melancholy behind. There’s bloom and life and brightness ahead, and knowing that’s coming is scary. Because I don’t like moving on, I don’t like forgetting. Putting hope in the spring time just feels like a big risk.
But I’m trying to know that it’s happening. And when I inevitably get really sad during the winter, despite loving the cold and snow, I’m going to be joyful when the first blooms start peeking out. Change, transition, the happy and the sad, they’re all coming with or without me, so I’m going to do my very best to meet it.