this is the longest i’ve ever lived in a city since college. 1 year, 10 months, 10 days. if you do that math, you’ll find i moved before quarantine 1.0. two weeks before. unexpected moving pains.
i have an overwhelming desire to abandon ship. or at least jump off for a swim.
my ability to remain content has not existed for a very long time. i don’t know if i’ve ever had it.
in many ways, this is a good thing. i see constant need for change because change is good. the way the world works doesn’t work for me and i think things need to be different and i’m open to that. i’ll dive in wholeheartedly. it’s driven my desire for justice in its many forms. it’s brought me a whole lot of adventure in the form of travel or just straight up finding a city and saying “let’s move here for a bit.” it’s helped me (and this took a bit longer) realize that i don’t need to cling to relationships that destroy me and that this can be a healthy thing. i think if i’m ever content, i’ll give up. whatever that means. and if i give up, i can’t save the world and feel everything too much.
that’s the bad part. if i don’t make big changes, it feels like i’ve done nothing. i keep having to tell myself i can’t save entire animal shelters; i’ve got two rescue cats that have incredibly great lives. that’s good enough for now. i’m not ceo of save the world inc. savior complex? maybe. but i help people. i think. it makes you doubt. steering away from contentment means i don’t always believe in myself, that i don’t always feel that i’ve done enough. it’s endless productivity in a world that wrongly and blindly praises endless productivity. i’m starting to get stress headaches again, i think. what i really need is rest.
i write this tonight as i sit in my living room debating if i should watch psych again, cook a healthy dinner, do my new weaving kit i just got yesterday that i’ve already almost finished in obsession, write, work somehow, figure out if i should move again (probably not). maybe a mix. what i haven’t considered is rest. what i really need is rest.
contentment feels dangerous and scary. maybe that’s weird. it’s probably weird. but there’s a balance out there somewhere. if anyone finds it, let me know. what we really need is rest.