grief, just today. well yesterday

Yesterday (or maybe today. what is time) was a one year anniversary of a loss I haven’t really talked about due to wanting to keep privacy on their behalf. But i felt it all day. All the days leading up to yesterday. The days leading up to Superbowl.

Talking to me yesterday was probably like talking to the sun except the sun was trying to break through thick, cold fog. Does that even make sense? It’s how I felt anyway. Trying to be normal and chipper and having to slice away the things in my brain to clear the way for the fake happy. I love that Paramore song.

But i had to keep going. With a smile, with work, with driving my car in traffic i hate, with my stupid little mental health walks. Because that’s what you do.

What we really need is rest. see: jump ship: my age of discontent

To anyone grieving and riding the waves, i don’t think it ever ends. I’m going to a funeral today, so isn’t that fitting?

The world does keep turning even if yours stops for a bit. And maybe yours is turning slower from now on and you’re just learning to deal with that. Putting on a brave face when you don’t feel brave at all. It’s where I am. I just think it’d be a lot easier if we’d all be willing to meet each other there. To walk with compassion and pause for just a second to think about what’s going on in someone’s head. I’m on another ramble, eh? I ramble when I’m nervous. Or whatever i am.

I write on here because i have friends in this space too, unable to fully go on like they used to. So i guess I’m writing today to once again say “me too.” If you’re struggling, same. We can do it together. And maybe people like us, the ones going through whatever this is, can be the ones in the world to say… stop, it doesn’t have to be like this. I dunno.

My gratitude book I’ve been doing (proud?) said to think of one thing I’m thankful for, close my eyes, and only think of that thing for 2 minutes straight. I thought of my cats and smiled for 2 minutes straight. So that’s where I’m ending. To go think of my cats.

Photo by Sebin Thomas on Unsplash